I think I got a bit stuck, behind a lot of things, including my own self - silencing gremlins.
Backed up by a few external voices, saying, or at least implying the same.
And if you're default internalised message is "Shut up, be quiet, don't make a fuss, no one is really interested" particularly around more difficult issues , then that is what you will do.
To keep feeling safe, or safer at least.
But I'm often telling myself, and others too for that matter, that fear arising can be interesting.
It should be examined for its source, to see if it is valid, and reasonable, and if not, to find out what fascinating things, and experiences are just the other side of that fear.
And that's what I have generally done. in my life... There are plenty of things that I do now, that initially I found pretty scary, or nerve wracking.
But now, they are just part of normal life.
So why should I be afraid of writing down a few thoughts and feelings?
What bad consequences could there possibly be?
If ones own personal blog * isn't a safe space to do this; then where?
But there has been a lot of discussion lately around people speaking, or not speaking of their experiences, around power misused, and abused.
Its interesting though, how once someone does, then others feel empowered to speak about it too.
I'm not going to go into any gory details here, I think anyone has as much right to stay silent about personal matters as they do to to speak out.
It shouldn't be incumbent upon anyone who has been hurt, to expose their wounds, if they don't feel comfortable so doing.
They do not owe their stories, or experiences to anyone.
They were owed being properly treated with respect in the first place - that is what is key
A genuine, unfettered right to choose, a right to self determination, is generally what most victims, or survivors of ill treatment are asking for.
And a right to be heard, actually listened to, if they do want to talk to someone.
But not forced, or coerced into speaking, by some sort of social obligation.
Tea, wellies, and an innocuous looking grey box, pre distribution... Nothing happens before tea, as you know.... The wellies came on a rather fine walk in The Peaks as wel,l just lately, but more of that another time., perhaps
Anyway, be all that as it may.
Its been a while for many many reasons, not least general busyness, accompanied by superficial distractions.
In the course of the last few months Ma, you would normally have called or visited to find out how things were going, and what I'd been up to.
Well sadly that's not going to happen any more, is it?
But i thought I'd check in anyhow, as I know you did use this channel as a way of keeping up with general news, and meandering ramblings about the farm, and further afield.
This picture was taken on the eve of what would have been your birthday in July.
Not long before you left us, you furnished me with some funds to buy something 'silly' (your words)
Well a tent isn't reallyproperly 'silly' its a very practical piece of kit,.
But it might I s'pose allow the pursuit of what some might call silliness, or at least unabashed fun.
Here it is... Pitched at the top of the hill here, it's a' Tarptent Moment' imported from the States (don't ask how much the Customs duties were) a quality item that should last, and very light for carrying on my back, or bike.
Crafted, I very much hope and believe, by stitchers who would have been paid something like a decent wage, for their skills. And if properly looked after, should be sheltering me on many an excursion.
She's been on a good few nights out already, and has lived up to her name - up in an instant, and sheds the wind well.
|July Sunrise on Beacon hill.|
I stayed up here in my little grey tent, with your ashes in their little grey box, overnight.
Then at first light (yeah right) or thereabouts, took most of them on a meandering ramble, distributing them amongst forty two of the trees that grow here.
We could make out that's some kind of witchcrafty magic number maybe, or the meaning of life or somesuch.?
But all sorts of different native species, which will each claim a few of your molecules, and grow taller with them.
So then you can look down from your vantage point, and check that I'm not slacking off with the farm work.
Although I am trying not to overdo it so much it these days, and have lots more help with things in general.... All work and no play, life is short, etc etc.
I've saved a few spoonfuls, to go under a fruit tree, to be planted this autumn.
Probably an apple, given that they are so versatile, as were you, in the kitchen.
Plenty of Devon varieties to choose from.
Since this morning pictured there's been loads going on, farmwise plus all sorts of other busyness.
Most of which you would approve, and I will get round to writing about a lot of it, just in case the internet connection is better where you are, than here in 'fibre free' Country Bumpkin Land.
Not that you were, so much one for approving or disapproving, of other peoples business, or doings. More concerned generally, in having an interesting life well lived, according to ones own principals, and values.
With plenty of leeway, and understanding given for those all so very human fallings short, fallibilties, and failings.
You asked me to read something at your not-really-a-funeral-but-more-a-tea-party-for-freinds which basically said this, but in a lot more lines...
"Try not to be sad that I've gone, but be happy that I was here"
Which is all very well and good in theory, but it is quite hard not to miss people who so very much brightened, rather than dampened life...
However I'll try to live by that one, and make the most of things, and stuff.
And in addition I would say to anyone else angsting over what to do with their own short existence and 'How they should Be' in this totally crazy, frustrating, but ultimately rather wonderful world...
Be your own Magic,
Be Full of Surprises,
Life is tough darling ... But so are you.
We change, we live, and we grow older, but hopefully we can still retain some childish wonder, and delight in this world.
* please see disclaimer that these are all my own thoughts, and opinions,and always subject to change , particularly in the face of a cogent well thought through argument ( I wish) they do not, nor never have, represented those those of any ya de ya company, singular or many faceted deity, nor any other general factotums.
If in doubt as to how to proceed, in the light of all this, please consult a grandmother, or any other female tribal elder ... They really do know stuff ....